Great depression in retrospect...

It has been a hard several weeks. Feeling lonely and far apart. Confronted with my own selfishness. Seeing how much my own sin affects someone else. And somehow being taught more things that I could have if life were easy. Understanding the difference between distance and apart. Establishing priorities. Taking time.

I think it's interesting to see how God uses the hard things in life to shape us the most. I look back, ponder, reflect...and find it true in every circumstance. My times of growth are inextricably linked to some pretty rough patches...but ones that I would never give up. And somehow there are seasons that are more filled with those patches than others. I don't like to say it, but this has not been a year characterized by great spiritual growth. I really have been in Seattle for a year now, and it's been great. But it's been hard. Hard in the sense of changing so much that characterized my life. Trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into the flow of life now. Mostly, learning how to spend time with me, come to God on my own, and process my heart. Missing the people who knew all the right questions to ask. Being patient with the people who are figuring it out. Learning to ask them myself.

Catching up.

"Nicole, just curious why you have a blog if you never write on it anymore?" Ha, I guess that was just the kick in the butt I needed to spend a few moment and process my life through my fingers again. It has been five and a half months. No matter how busy I may feel that I have been, I have definitely not been that busy. This happens to me in my journaling as well...it is this odd perfectionism that reels out from inside. I have missed so much that I wish was there, and I so I don't keep writing from here in hopes that I will go back and fill in what is missing...and so it just perpetuates. Well, enough. I can get over it.

Pretty soon here I am coming up on a whole year of living in Seattle. Looking back two years ago, I don't think I could have imagined my life now. Even a year ago...life looks different than I thought it would. But definitely in a good way. Certain people are dearer to me than I ever thought they would be. Some are further away. My life every week has a strange mixture of crazy busy and absolutely...not. But I love it.

Joys and Longings

Some of the thoughts penned here come full circle, the good ones hopefully again and again. I am sure I have said these things before, of different times, of different people, but some things are worth repeating. What a deep joy it is to hear of a brother, a sister, a friend doing well in the Lord. To hear someone speak whose heart is at rest, to see decisions made knowing someone else is in control, to witness life lived with the fullest of joy. This is true any time, but it is especially apparent, felt most deeply, when it is someone you have prayed for, worried over, longed to see this change in. There is a similar, paralleled, deep felt emotion that hits hard on the other side of the spectrum. The ache that comes when you see how far off that change is at the moment. The loss of words when you meet and so badly want to be an encouragement and not just an old judgmental friend.

My mind immediately jumps to twenty-two people who I spent the majority of my growing up years with. Some ebb and flow in that, some longer than others, some from the beginning, some joining at the end, but all in all twenty-three of us at the finish. It has amazed me to see these lives, all released at the same time with more or less the same potential, and all in completely different places in life. Some married, some on their way, some single. Some far away, some near. Some in school, some working. Doctors, nurses, pharmacists, engineers, businessmen, economists, philosophers, musicians, therapists, waitresses, baristas. And in the end, some whose lives bring that deep joy...and some who still leave me to long for the day.

Remember

I was reminded this weekend of the joy, and the call, to remember.

God called Israel to be a people who would remember what He had done for them. All throughout Deuteronomy God tells them "Remember what the LORD your God did." Yearly celebrations provided a chance to remember what God had done, to pass it on to their children.

I started keeping a journal several years ago when I was in Europe, and it has become one of my favorite things to read back through it every year. To see where I was at a year ago, and see where God has brought me. To look back and remember what God has done, even the small things. To see the ways in which He is renewing me more and more into the image of Christ.

The new year is just ripe for remembering...for looking back over the past twelve months and anticipating the next. I think this Puritan prayer sums it up:

Thy goodness has been with me during another year,
leading me through a twisting wilderness,
in retreat helping me to advance,
when beaten back making sure headway.
Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;
I hoist sail and draw up anchor,
With thee as the blessed Pilot of my future as of my past.
I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with thee, O Father, as my harbour,
thee O Son, at my helm,
thee, O Spirit, filling my sails.