A trust that is worthy

One of my patients told me today, "Wow, you really can do anything, can't you?" as I whisked in to silence his beeping IV. Some days I feel like super-nurse, the one who can make any hospital bed ten times more comfortable, get the physician to switch the diet order just in time for lunch, or convince the ultrasound tech to come to the room instead of having to bundle my patient up on a stretcher for a bumpy ride. Other days I'm not that fortunate. Those are the days when the fact that I can't let my patient go outside to have a cigarette because she's on a heart monitor ends in an emotional breakdown. Or no matter how many times I page, I just can't seem to get the doctor to order the pain medication my patient really needs. Or worst of all, I come in to bring the news that they can not go home today after all...maybe tomorrow.

Another patient looked up at me today and simply said, "Why should I trust you? I don't even know you." I had just brought in a new medication, one that I slowly explained to her would help her failing heart to beat more effectively with each contraction. But for all she knew, I could be bringing her anything. I could tell her that pill would do whatever I wanted it to. She had to trust me.

It is thought provoking to be in a position where someone is trusting you so completely. I wake up each morning realizing that, like yesterday, like tomorrow, I need to live today with 100% integrity. I am being trusted. I had better be trustworthy.

Lessons

I love it when God takes a day and through it winds together a constant message. A message especially for me. I listened to two sermons today, both laced with the same scripture, both gripping my heart afresh with truths I have known for a long time. Seeing though scripture men who "walked with God" and learned to hear his voice. Am I learning to hear and recognize his voice?

Dr. Don Carson made a profound statement at the end of his sermon tonight after preaching about the ironies of the crucifixion. "Jesus exclaimed, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' on the cross so that for all eternity, no matter what life brings, I will never have to say that." For that moment he knew the full wrath of God, so that I will never have to. The substitutionary death of Jesus and everything that means for me struck a chord once again. That God would have mercy. On me.

Sweeter far...

Home. I didn't realize how much I had missed it until I got there. I was flying this time, my first time back in three months. I watched the landscape changing beneath me, flying over the city, then the mountains, following the snaking freeway through Snoqualmie pass. Flat farmland of central Washington. And then, first subtly, then more definitely, the hills began to roll. I'm sure the feeling was partly because that defining change in landscape meant home was near and I would see my family soon, but part of it too was a deeper resonance. There is a part of me, however small, that is defined by the Palouse. By those rolling hills, the well known peaks, and the lifetime of memories that accompany them. As I saw the undulating farmland beneath me, my stomach tightened, and a small but sure well of emotion surged up within me. I was coming home. As I shared this with a friend this past week, he made the comment, "I miss missing home." It's true, there's something sweet about coming back to a place you have missed. You appreciate the time more. Well known spots seem dearer. Family time is sweet. I love being home, but I love missing it too.

With countless gifts of love...

"Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name." "...designated by name to give thanks to the LORD." "...that we may give thanks to your holy name." "Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." "Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done." "With praise and thanksgiving they sang to the LORD." "...with songs of thanksgiving..." "We always thank God for all of you..." "Give thanks in all circumstances..." "Give glory, honor and thanks to Him..." "We give thanks to you, Lord God Almighty."

I have spent quite a bit of time making this list, and I know I could continue adding for days to come. May this be a small representation of the many things I am thankful for! In no special order, I am thankful for...

Jesus, pianos, fruit, picking apples from orchards, making cider, Ryan, people who are talented with their instruments, Michael, loose leaf tea, good books, Angela, her amazing friendship, clocks, Moscow, green dishes, my rain boots, Corin and Reba, my house, living in Seattle, having a job, enjoying my job, music, violins, people who play the guitar, my mom and dad, their marriage, hiking, Laura, fall colors, changing seasons, camping with my family, warm coats, electric blankets, fireplaces, Tara, the Church, E-Free, Mars Hill, the Coffee O, baking, a bed to sleep in, beautiful art, Grandma Kay, Austria, the mountains, Tauernhof, Stacey, Lindsay, and Carolyn, people who speak truth, having a Bible, Bremerton, God pursuing me with his love, the Fredericks, their unending hospitality, tuna and tortilla chips, good coffee, Bucer's, Neil, rhubarb pie, Soma, the Black Horse Band, hymns, Daniel, singing, my mom's cooking, farmer's market, Kristina, long car drives, Karl, gmail, internet access, Pullman, nursing school, Ella-Mae, Bible verse of the week, Papa, Grandma Nita and her fighting perseverance, people who take good pictures, Ryan calling from Austria, going home for Thanksgiving, honesty, Michael playing his drums, harmonizing, all the girls I graduated from high school with and that I still get to see most of them, Aaron and Joe and their family, iced americanos, people who know me well, running by water, my dad playing his keyboard at night, corn flakes and soy milk, that I am being renewed into the image of Christ, getting to go to college, graduating from college, health and dental insurance, long walks and talks with Ryan, living on Jefferson street for two years, living with Jenny, Thursday morning prayer times of old, Logos, the christians at my gym, Erica and her amazing heart for the girls in Bremerton, the few days of Sunday football I've played, reading my Bible on the bus, running around Greenlake, rain, scarves, people I can trust, the chance to give, that He is strong when I am weak, being single, not feeling alone in a new city, spending time with friends, having a family who loves me.

Thanks be to God.

Lift up holy hands

There was a concert Saturday night that I have been looking forward to for weeks. Not really even a concert...a worship night, led by a woman who passionately loves Jesus through worship and is talented while doing it. I figured it would take me about fifty minutes to get there, so I planned my evening accordingly, but very quickly I felt that there was something trying it's best to keep me from getting there. I got off work Saturday an hour and a half later than I was expecting. No problem, I still managed to leave my house on time...well 45 minutes later I actually got out of the city. I chased down a gas station in downtown Seattle but got stuck in traffic, got to a convenience store that had everything but gas, got stuck in construction trying to make it to a real gas station before running out of gas, got stuck in traffic again because of a huge accident on I-5. I felt that choice looming before me: am I going to give in and be frustrated and let that affect my attitude for the evening? Or am I going to recognize the spiritual battle and pray that God would protect my attitude and prepare my heart to worship Him? Praise God for his mercy- that amazing night of worship would have been hard for me to sit through had my heart been soured by frustration and annoyance. Instead it was a night of worshipping with a newfound freedom, one of those nights where everyone else in the room begins to fade away and it's just me and God. Where I can sing at the absolute top of my lung because the room is just full of people praising Jesus. To lift my hands unashamedly. I have realized there have always been things to hold me back from worshipping in true freedom; not good things, but areas of immaturity, like being too concious of what others will think. But God has continued to pursue my heart and convice me of his love, his amazing love. "Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks."

Demands my soul, my life, my all

Reckless (rěk'lĭs)- "defiant disregard for danger or consequences." Being reckless for Jesus. That is what we are called to, and really that is what life is all about, and yet how often do we really live a life that could be considered reckless for the cause of Christ? To live in utter disregard for the danger or consequence of proclaiming Jesus and the Cross, proclaiming and living the Truth with boldness. I love to read christian biographies, stories of people who are giving their lives and living recklessly for Jesus. They inspire me. Jim Elliot, Keith Green, Amy Carmichael, Hudson Taylor, Jonathan Goforth, Jo Shetler. There is something within, some deeply rooted passion, that stirrs with excitement when I read it, hear of it, their lives, passion, dedication, recklessness. And yet I let myself be content to just live vicariously through them. Why? What is holding me back from being the one who is "sold out", who is giving my all for something that is entirely worth it? "Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all." O Lord, that I would give my all. That I would count everything the world has to offer as rubbish compared to the surpassing glory of knowing Christ.

"But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves." James 1:22. I have been freshly challenged by this unwavering call to be united in truth and action, because we prove what we really believe deep down by how we live. We will not hesitate to say that we believe God is all powerful, that He created the heavens and the earth, that He is good, that He cares for his creation and is our only hope for salvation, that Christ is our only hope of glory, that we have been loved with an unquenchable love. But if we really believe that, why do we let anything else get in the way? Why do we not live every day of our lives in the complete freedom and reckless abandon that comes from being loved as a child of God? We say that we believe the Bible is God's word, completely true, living and active. That through His word God reveals himself, and has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him. If we really believe that, why are we not constantly longing for and spending time in the word? Why is it not our first priority- to spend time day and night reading the word of life and growing closer to our Savior? May we each be doers of the word, living representations of true belief. May we be reckless in our pursuit of Jesus!

Powerful Prayer!

I think if you asked a sample of people, many would say that they pray. I would venture to say that not all of those people really know who they are praying too, though many do. A lot of people pray. But then there are the people you meet who do not just pray, they PRAY. There is a difference. It is a moving thing to be in the company of someone who really PRAYS, when it goes beyond words that are said to a conversation that is being had. When there is expectation at the heart of the prayer! We serve a God who answers prayer, and not only that, but He is mighty to save! Is the arm of our God too short to save? Never! I have found myself in the company of such people many times through the last few years, like our Thursday prayer mornings. I have missed that time! This last week I was privileged to join a small but passionate group of believers in prayer, and my heart was excited to connect once again with people who PRAY! I feel a part of me come alive, emboldened to really pray. I leave refreshed, excited, looking forward to what God will do! And yet a part of me is bothered. Why, when I am in the company of others who really PRAY, do I find myself refreshed in spirit and joining in with a full heart, and yet when it is just me and God, I struggle? Where is the fervency when I am alone, in my room, on the bus, in my spitirual "closets"? I am entering the throne room of God! I want my heart to quicken at the anticipation! And yet I find that I lack the fervency, vitality, life, in prayer which I long for. James 5:16- "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." Not that we have any righteousness of our own, but we have been clothed with the righteousness of Christ! Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence! Think of what He can do, and how He delights to hear the prayers of His redeemed people. Think of your place and privilege in Christ, and expect great things!

Emotinally Exhausting

This was one of those days in life that leaves at its end the feeling of having spent yourself for others. It is emotionally exhausting, hard to always be the strong one, hard also to divide your time between four or five people who are all in varying stages of physical, emotional, mental, spiritual distress. I stood holding a woman at least twenty years older than myself as she cried, vented, processed. For day after exhausting day she kept being told she needed to be strong, because being weak was just being selfish. I was finally the one who told her it was okay to cry, giving her permission in a sense to finally let down this barricade of emotion that no one else had dared to breach. But it was that opening that let us talk a little about Jesus. On to another patient who only breaching the beginning of a life-defeating battle with a terrifying disease, one that leaves his mind sharp as a tack while completely deteriorating the rest of his body. It's as if he is becoming trapped within a shell, and as he struggles for a breath through a closing airway he writes to me, his only way of communicating, that this scares him more every day. Scares him that one of these times that breath will never come. It is devastating to see how this disease has so suddenly wretched their family from the life they knew, and leaves me feeling helpless to comfort. A third pleasantly confused elderly woman seems to be the balance, until seemingly out of nowhere she becomes psychotic, hallucinating, paranoid, afraid I am plotting with the man she thinks she sees outside her window and coming to kill her. All trust is lost, she doesn't know who anyone is, she hits, she yells, she screams. Emotionally exhausting.

God of this city

It is an amazing thing to see God move and begin to burden hearts for an entire city, for a people. I have been overwhelmed at times by the city skyline, realizing the vastness of the darkness, the hopelessness. One of my favorite places to run begins by the water just overlooking the mountains, but then about two miles in the trail turns to reveal a breathtaking view of Seattle. That point has become my favorite place to climb down onto the rocks close to the water and just spend time praying for the city, for it's people. Our God is a God who pursues individual hearts, and but also cities and even entire nations! This song so often comes to mind, such a powerful reminder of God's faithful pursuit, of his power, of his heart for cities.

You’re the God of this city,
You’re the King of these people
You’re the Lord of this nation, You are

You’re the Light in this darkness,
You’re the Hope to the hopeless
You’re the Peace to the restless, You are

There is no one like our God,
there is no one like our God

For greater things have yet to come,
And greater things are still to be done
In this city

Greater things have yet to come,
And greater things are still to be done here

Youʼre the Lord of creation
The Creator of all things
Youʼre the King above all Kings, You are

Youʼre the strength in our weakness
Youʼre the love to the broken
Youʼre the joy in the sadness, You are

There is no one like our God,
there is no one like our God

May Your work begin with me
fill my heart and move my feet
Your kingdom come

May Your work begin with me
fill my heart and move my feet
Your will be done

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My heart was burdened talking with a dear friend, a long and tearful talk about life. It's so hard to see her hurts and wounds from the past brought back up. My heart hurts to see her struggling through her relationship with her dad and never hearing him tell her she was beautiful. To see her strive over works to gain approval, wrestling through depression, not able to live in the freedom as a child of God because she cannot believe those things about herself. We don't need approval from anyone- we already have it in Jesus! As the Derek Webb song, "And don't you ever let anyone tell you that there's anything that you need, but Me."

Savior, In Thy Love Abiding

Savior, in Thy love abiding,
keep me in Thy tender care;
Through Thy Spirit's gentle guiding,
save me from each tempting snare.

Speak Thy words of inspiration
when I fail to see Thy will;
Grant in grace Thy consolation,
faith and hope and love instill.

On the unknown path before me,
guide me with Thy mighty hand;
Should I faint and fall, restore me;
through all perils help me stand.

Cast Thy comfort all around me;
draw me closer to Thy heart;
When Thy peace and joy surround me,
pain and sorrows all depart.

Unto Thee my will is yielded,
mold it to conform to Thine.
By Thy grace and mercy shielded,
help me life a life divine.

Selma Langerstrom, 1855

Caring for the Heart

Nursing has a way of interfacing with people's lives that excites me. Many of my patients are not only physically worn down, but emotionally and spiritually worn down as well. It honestly surprises me how much people will open up to a complete stranger, but as their nurse I become a safe person to talk to. Some days this isn't much. I hear a lot of stories about grandkids, life achievements, past hospital stays and the wonderful or horrible experiences they were. But some days the conversations go deeper. I am thrilled when I have the chance to pray for someone right before sending them off to an operation or risky procedure. I am completely overwhelmed and grasping for words when I am the only one left in the room as the physician walks out having just told my patient he has cancer or heart failure.

I am a cardiac nurse. Because of that, I focus a lot of my attention on my patient's physical heart. I care about their cardiac output, because that gives insight into how effective their heart is in taking care of the body. I listen to their heart, listening to each distinct beat, making sure I don't hear something that could indicate signs of damage. I ask them questions- have they had any chest pain? I listen and I observe.

But in addition to the physical, I want to be a nurse who focuses my attention on their spiritual heart as well. I pay attention to their 'output' because it indicates the condition of their heart, for "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." I listen to their heart, as they open up and share their fears or regrets, their past or future hopes, listening for signs of a heart that has been damaged by hurt, abandonment, a life of running from God. If they open up, I ask them questions. Can I hear the pain coming from their heart? I listen and observe. I share.

There are thousands of nurses out there who have no hope to offer. But for those of us who do, what an opportunity. May we be bold!

Weeping for Broken Hearts

Several years ago I spent a lot of time with two young girls, at the time 5 and 6, whose mother had left their family. Left in fear of her husband, fear of what he would do, giving up on being albe to see her girls to be where he couldn't find yer. And yet all they were left to believe is that their mother didn't want them anymore. They craved female attention and were thrown into my life as my heart was reeling to come up with answers for them when they asked why they had no mom and why I couldn't be their mom. One woman had walked out on their life and even at that young age, it left them insecure and terribly afraid of it happening again. Another woman entered their life the next year and for awhile everything was good again. My time with them faded as they had a step mother to fill that role and as life transitioned. But a few years later I got a call that the girls were asking about me again. Once again their security was ripped apart as another woman left their family. Left after being falsely accused of abusing the girls as she began to discover their sexual abuse by their father. But all they were told is that she didn't want them anymore either. By God's grace I was saved from becoming yet another victim, but not saved the agony of being another woman who left. I am devastated. Heart broken for these girls, angry that their dad through his sin put me in a position where I am another woman who is walking out of their life because it is not safe for me to contact him. I am one more reason why they will grow up not being able to trust anyone, and I feel powerless, like my hands are tied. I can do nothing but pray for them, weep for them. Weep for the countless girls who have been hurt so deep, and long for the day when their hearts can be healed by the unconditional love of a good and perfect Father.

Obedience

Obedience. I have been wrestling over this today- what does it look like to live a life of obedience? It is uncompromising, no matter where I am at in life. Jesus calls us to love, not only our friends and brothers, but our neighbors, the unlovely, the poor, those who can't repay anything. What does that look like in my life? How do I put that into the practice of obedience? What does it look like to have all this knowledge in my head actually translated to my heart and expressed through the way I live? It's so easy to say I am pursuing Christ, but does my life reflect that pursuit? I am such a visionary- I want a cause to grab onto and fight for. I want to see where I am going so I can make meaning out of what I am doing now. Not that a lack of vision gives any cause for a lack of obedience; I just want to know the will of God and live accordingly. "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later recieve as an inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." Hebrews 11:8. God gave him a calling and a promise, and he believe and obeyed, trusting God to provide. Am I willing to do this? To obey God and follow even though I don't know where I am going? It sometimes seems like something I don't have a choice in, and yet obedience is always a choice. I have been reminded of this little section in Hinds Feet on High Places, where the Shepherd is speaking to Much-Afraid..."Whenever you are willing to obey me and to follow the path of my choice, you will always be able to hear and recognize my voice, and when you hear it, you must always obey. Remember also that it is always safe to obey my voice, even if it seems to call you to paths which look impossible or even crazy." The first step to obedience is hearing and recognizing His voice- hearing the calling in order to obey. I feel I am at a crossroads of determining what that calling is...is it stretching me to obey and serve in a particulary ministry, or simply to open my eyes to the hurting people who are right around me? Pray I would listen for His voice.

Liberality of Love

"How shall I feel at the judgement, if multitudes of missed opportunities pass before me in full review, and all my excuses prove to be disguises of my cowardice and pride?" -Dr. W.E. Sangster, from Why Revival Tarries.

This is a sobering and convicting thought for me to dwell on, only because of the truth that it pierces me with! How often is this me, hiding behind justifications in my own mind, not living in the pure freedom and God-given passion that comes from being completely abandoned to Jesus? I don't want to look back to see if I'm making the right impression or pleasing the right people. Am I pleasing God? Am I going at the call of God and never stopping? Jesus, open my eyes to the hurting people around me and enable me to love them!

"Their deep poverty overflowed in the wealth of their liberality." 2 Corinthians 8:2.

O God, that I would be like that! Though I am impoverished in my ability to love, let me live my life in the liberality that overflows in the wealth of Your love.

All Thy Mercies

Thy mercy, My God, is the theme of my song
The joy of my heart, and boast of my tongue
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affections and bound my soul fast.

O that my life would be abandoned to the cause of this mercy!